A Humble Fan’s Modest Proposal to Eliminate Ties in Football (Non-Baby-Eating Version)

My friends, is there anything more odious than a professional football game which ends in a tie? Of course there is: That “rouge” thingy they’ve got in Canadian football. (Seriously, what the hell is that?) Beyond the rouge, however, nothing else leaps to mind.

Donovan McNabb has been the recipient (some would argue deservedly) of much public derision by admitting he didn’t understand how regular-season games can end in a tie. It’s rare that these occur, true, but perhaps our befuddled quarterback makes a good point. Does a team with a tie on its record really think it’s in their best interest to decide playoff status based on some now freaky-deaky winning percentage that likely contains repeating decimals and uses whatever formula that nerdy professor applied to solve Fermat’s Theorem?

Poppycock and balderdash, says I. There must be a way to determine a clear-cut winner, and I’d like to make a few suggestions on just how to accomplish this...

Suggestion 1: At the conclusion of an overtime period with no change in score, each team will be asked to designate a player from their practice squad to take part in a Punt, Pass and Kick competition. The winning player earns a victory for his team, as well as a shiny medal and a coupon book good for free Happy Meals at participating McDonald's.

Suggestion 2: As we all know, place kickers are undersized divas who don’t always justify their salary on a weekly basis. Therefore, I say let’s put these scrawny bastards to work. In the event of a tie score after OT, the kickers will meet in the center of the field for a coin toss. The winner gets to choose which end of the field he will kick from. Between the 30- and 40-yard lines on each end of the field, five footballs will be placed on tees in random spots. The kickers then have 60 seconds to boot all five balls through the uprights.

The team whose kicker makes the most attempts wins the game and may gain so much respect from his teammates that defensive linemen will stop fake-punching him whenever they pass him in the locker room. The loser will have to fly home wearing a low-cut evening gown and a sign around his neck which reads, “DADDY’S LITTLE FAILURE.” If the kicker tries to remove his sign before the plane lands, his teammates will have permission to beat the crap out of him.

Suggestion 3 (and possibly my favorite one): Four simple words -- HEAD COACH BREAKDANCING CONTEST. The visiting coach gets to select the music. (My personal choices: “Apache” by the Sugar Hill Gang or RUN-DMC’s “My Adidas.”) The coaches perform their routines at the 50-yard line, with at least three officials judging based on technical skill, attitude and creativity. After four minutes, the referee will determine whose skills are the bomb, and end the competition by blowing his whistle, pointing to the losing coach and making the “You Got Served” signal.

The crowd would thoroughly enjoy watching two middle-aged men being forced to put down their clipboards and headsets and get funky as only middle-aged men can do it. The music would also keep the fans in a festive mood.

Now, you might say that Andy Reid, being both fat and Mormon, would be the obvious underdog. But I’m not sure about that; something tells me Big Red’s just itching to break out those secret Rerun-style moves he practices in front of the bedroom mirror each morning.

The press conferences alone would be worth their weight in gold.

Reid: “[Clears throat] All right, injuries. Me: herniated disc, a strained lower lumbar region, and possibly several compressed vertebrae from attempting a head spin. I go over that move several times after practice. As I’ve said before, it’s all about execution.”

Reporter: “Coach Reid, this marks the third time in six games that you’ve been reduced to 'chump mode.' What do you think is the reason for this?”

Reid: “[Clears throat, coughs up half-eaten cannoli] Well, I just need to go back and look at the tape tomorrow morning. I need to put myself in better position to bust a move. I’m sure that many of you out there in the media will say I focus too much on popping and not enough on locking, but personally I think I have a well-balanced routine."

Commissioner Goodell, you have the power to make this happen!

Comments

[Reverend Paul Revere]

If there have ever been better suggestions, these ears have not heard them.

[Mr. Bryan]

Yeah, I'm gonna be staring at that Re-Run gif all afternoon. It's hypnotizing.

[Chamomiles Davis]

How I've managed to spend 35 years on this planet without once going out as "Rerun" for Halloween remains a mystery to me.

[Mike H.]

Fred Berry, Rest In Peace. One of the top 10 TV theme songs of all time.

What's a rouge? Let's say David Akers kicks a kickoff and it goes through the end zone and past the end line (but not the side lines). One point for the Eagles. The receiving team gets the ball at the 35 yard line.

And, what, no Kurtis Blow for the Dance-Off? Seriously.... WTF?!?

[brett]

Bill Simmons summed it up perfectly:

RAVENS (-1) over Eagles
You know how Mike Holmgren is retiring after this season? I think Andy Reid retired three years ago. That's the only explanation. He just didn't tell us. Our friend Mike Lombardi did a nice job breaking down the epic "Four Two-Minute Drills" debacle Sunday in Cincinnati; that game was so unbelievably bad that NFL Films should be working on a one-hour documentary about it. I'm not even kidding. That was the worst football game ever played. We need to spend a solid year interviewing people and breaking down the key moments so we can place it in its proper historical perspective.

So, what would the Bengals-Eagles documentary be called? I vote for either "Four Hours Of Life That Nobody Will Get Back" or "The Longest Turd." Either of these will do. I don't care. And, yes, I wanted this show even before McNabb pushed the epicness (epicity? epiciousness? epicism?) of such a memorably putrid game by admitting he didn't know the overtime rules. I thought Warren Sapp summed it up well:

"Donovan, your legacy will be throwing up in the Super Bowl, Rush Limbaugh and now -- not knowing there were ties!!!"

I'd also throw in Campbell's Chunky Soup commercials, but, yes, that's probably it. I have watched far too much of the Eagles this season (again, for fantasy purposes) and would evaluate McNabb's 2008 performance like so: out of shape, careless, semi-competitive and uninspiring. The fact that Philly can't run the ball in short-yardage situations but McNabb never, ever, EVER runs QB draws or sneaks should tell you something. I think he just doesn't want to get hit anymore. He seems like a guy on his way out of the league to me.

(Funniest e-mail of the week, from a Philly fan calling himself "Andy Reid": "So, I pulled into my local drive-thru. After analyzing the menu for 25 minutes I quickly placed my order. As I pulled to the first window I was shocked to see Donovan McNabb working the register. Unfortunately, I pulled a foot away from the window. I had no idea how to get my money in there. Do I hand it in or try and throw it? I decided it would be better to waste five minutes backing out and pulling back in. After I handed Donovan my money, he threw my change five feet over my car. After receiving my food, I double-checked to make sure I had the right order. I checked for three minutes and knew they messed it up. I pulled back to the window to complain. After giving the employee a stare of mild confusion, he informed me that I had received what I ordered. I pulled away stunned.")

[stevefredericks]

gary bettman prefers the second choice

[HLH]

Pete,Detmer,Hoying,Detmer,and Pederson....Just thought I'd remind all the Mcnabb bashers THIS is what we are gonna see for awhile after Mcnabb leaves. See what kind of meal and change you get when that occurs. But since alot of the Mcnabb bahers seem to be the fans that seem to enjoy crying and putting down our own players I guess those will be fun years for you.

[Kulp]

@ HLH

Not that I would consider myself a McNabb basher, but comparing Kevin Kolb to the quarterbacks you listed isn't exactly fair.

It's like comparing the next head coach to Kotite and Rhodes. Just because we don't know the future doesn't make it bad.

[HLH]

@ Kulp.....Thats a good point. I hope your right and Kolb goes on to be the best qb we have ever had. Reid does seem to have an eye for Qb's. I just hate the fact that alot of fans have hated Mcnabb his entire career with all he has done for this team.

As for the overtime situation. If they are worried the game would last to long maybe they should use the college system for overtimes after the first one expires.

[Steve]

@HLH

It's not that people don't remember the days of old. It's just that we fail to see what progress the team is making under the current regime. We can stay delightfully mediocre for another year or two and them take a sudden drop off or we can see what Kolb's got. It's pretty obvious that McNabb isn't the man he was five years ago and I don't where Reid's head went but the direction the team is going is not good. The most frustrating thing to me about 5's quote after the tie was that it was a telling sign of where his head is at.

[Pete D]

Excellent post, I think they should legitimately do the punt, pass, and kick one.

[will]

option 4: both starting QBs climb the agrocrag

[Steve]

Each team picks a representative and they roshambo until only one man is standings.

[doubleh]

Punt, pass and kick is no dumber than the shootout in hockey. Full game following by a skills competition...

[phloridaphilsphan]

@ Will: I love option 4! The agrocrag is the way to go!