Hire a Yankees Fan

So I was supposed to be responsible for pulling video from the game/celebration last night, but something unfortunate happened to me while I celebrated a shot at the World Series for the first time since I was a child.

After hours of jumping around, yelling, joyous phone calls, general foolish behavior, and yes, drinking way too much... well, I passed out in a chair, undoubtedly a direct result of such exuberant behavior in my hammered drunk condition.

To be fair, all the post-game stuff was over.  I was drained, but still in a crazed frenzy, and I needed to wind down.  I flipped over to ESPN to get a national take on the victory, and almost immediately it was lights out.  Even considering the circumstances, crashing was admittedly in bad form, so I have taken steps to prevent a similar situation in case this team manages to do the unthinkable.

I've hired a Yankees fan.

Yes folks, a real live Yankees fan.  Once a predominant fixture in bandwagon sports, Yankees fans are officially considered an endangered species in the Philly area, with only the biggest of douchebags still rooting for a team that has missed the World Series the past five years despite spending enough money on baseball players to support a dozen or so third world countries.  Why would I want to be around such vile scum?

It's an unfortunate alliance I've created, but I figured maybe I need help celebrating should it come to that point.  Oh, I know how to party, but celebration is an unusual feeling for me, especially the sports variety.  After 25 years, I'm just not exactly sure I know how to do it, so I decided to play it safe and seek lessons from someone who has experienced this sort of thing a lot, though thankfully not too recently.

Yankee Douchebag will earn a competitive wage for the next several weeks, though he will not receive health benefits because obviously I don't care what happens to him should he be trounced as fans pour into the streets.

Yankee Douchebag will instruct me on everything from proper "in the moment" reactions (jump up and down and yell) to acting like a champion (flip that guy off and yell at him, even if he is obviously a Phillies fan).  He will inform me when to be excited and when to bite my nails, and will serve as a guide to hopefully one of the most fun times of my life.

Most importantly, Yankee Douchebag will make a great punching bag should the Phillies go down in flames.  Really, who hasn't wanted to take a swing at a Yankees fan?  It's all part of the deal.

I realize not everyone can afford to staff a homeless guy for a month, but if you're in the under 30 crowd as many of you are, you may want to call a friend or relative who has been through this sort of thing and seek some advice.  The Phillies are in the World Series.  Think about that.  We've been waiting for so long.  If they pull it off, what are you going to do?  Classic arms in the air?  Jump in a mosh pit?  Cry?

The magnitude of this moment is beyond comprehension right now.  Four more.  Be prepared.

Comments

[AZTerror]

I've actually had a Yankee fan guiding me through the past two years...mainly out of a joint disdain for the Mets. He is quite helpful and very supportive of the Phillies. He was the first one to call me last night after the game...mainly to talk trash about all the former Red Sox sucking again, but there was one congratulatory comment in there I think. It's going to be a fun next 4-7 games!!!!

[Jeffrey]

I tried asking a Red Sox fan for help but he just ignored me and told me the Rays were going to beat us. Thanks, broseph.

[Rob I.]

Hey, eff you and your satire, Kulp.

[dmac]

Clever, I like it. Actually I think I'm going to actually do this, only I will make Iracane work without pay.

[dmac]

Ha ha, Rob, I totally did not see your comment above mine when I posted.

[Matt P]

I too immediately thought of I-racane.

[Mike]

Pretty funny, but you should have asked Yankee Douchebag to fact check your entry before posting it.

They haven't missed the playoffs for four straight years (this is the first year since 1994 that they haven't made it), but it has been five years since they made the World Series.

[Kulp]

My mistake. I meant World Series, but still wrong.

[Matt F]

For a punching bag, I'd have to hire a Boston fan. I think Boston has taken away the Yankees official douchebag mantle.

[will]

i hired a donkey to kick me in the junk.. just to be sure this all is real. fat friggen jackass doesn't move.

[AZTerror]

I have actually had a Yankee fan as a consultant the past two seasons...mainly out of a shared disdain for the Mets. His favorite past time since the end of last year has been going to Mets bars and outwardly rooting for the Phillies, even if they aren't on TV. He was actually the first person to call me after the game. He talked about how he loved seeing the displeasure in all the faces of the former Red Sox. We enjoyed a few laughs. It has been quite positive experience thus far.

[Chris]

You guys effin Rock!! Your blog has become one of my must reads everyday!! Do I understand one or both of you are from Havertown?? Me too...we need to share some beers!

[AZTerror]

Good call Matt F

[Rosey]

I still remember sitting in our dorm 15 years ago when Joe Carter stuck the dagger in our hearts.

Here's to hoping we don't have to sit through that again.

These guys are showing confidence I haven't seen in past squads. Last night was evident.

Go Phils!

[Mike H.]

My father's a Yankee fan. 30 years of torture. Kulp, you're making a deal with the Dark Side.

Thank God for my mother and her Pottstown roots. And that's clearly saying a lot.

[JD]

im with matt f on this one

[Chamomiles Davis]

Doesn't "Yankee Doodle Douchebag" have a nicer ring to it?

[Brett]

Hey guys,
I want to get off on a tangent as Pardon the Interuption ticked me off today. The first topic was appropriately about the Phillies winning the NLCS and Kornheiser said, "Are you happy for the Phillies the city hasn't won a championship in 25 years?" Wilbon responds with, Im tired of the whinning from Philadelphia about their drought" as other cities. Then goes on about 1908 (forgetting 6 jordan championships, 86 bears, and 2006 White Sox that the city won) and mentioning Cleveland and other cities.

What the hell did Philadelphia do to him? I like Wilbon 95% of the time but his bias towards the Philly fans is palpable. They make up the question we were "whining" about the drought, when it was mostly an afterthought of the celebration and is generally used AGAINST us by every other city (except Buffalo and Cleveland) and rarely mentioned except for why we are frustrated.

Did someone in Philly make fun of Wilbon's mom?, did he face racism as he's said he has in Boston? (whom he bashes little to none except for ESPN's coverage) did he get a fatty cheesesteak? what the hell?

I remember after Jeff Carter (i believe but could be wrong) got hit with the bottle during the interview I turned to PTI to see Wilbon's response specifically. He chided Washington's bad fans but said things like that happens "every week" in Philly. Really, huh, you think hmmm it when was the last major philly incident?

[AZTerror]

Wilbon wears lace panties...and they usually bunch up on him

[Win]

@Brett

We're Philly fans, we don't get respect, we're thought of as a "small market" and they can't think of anything more interesting to say about us fans then we threw snowballs at Santa. So basically screw them they aren't going to come up with any new stories and just repeat the same memes over and over.

The Memes are:
1) Philadelphians are scary fans
2) The Flyers are thugs
3) The eagles have exactly one player, his name is Brian Westbrook.
4) Allen Iverson is a gangster(no longer applicable)
5) The Philadelphia team will never be better than (insert division rival here)
6) theres a Jail in the stadium.